It’s been three years!

I knew the anniversary was coming. A date that shook our world. And there it was on my Facebook memories, April’s prolonged febrile seizure, 3 years ago today. There was a time that I thought this date would be ingrained in my mind, a anniversary to dread. A date of pain, many tears and flash backs. But as I sit here on the 3rd anniversary I feel somewhat distanced from it. I’ve just read the blogs I wrote last year and the year before. They are full of so much pain and I remember how I felt too. Sometimes it consumed me so much that I could barely take my eyes off of her, watching out for any minute thing that could be off with her health.

So today I’m writing with a changed state of mind, perhaps it’s clarity. Perhaps it’s that old saying that time is the greatest healer? When you’re in that moment of uncertainty and full of emotional stress you certainly don’t feel that time will help! Well at least I didn’t! I felt like I’d always be living on egg shells, never wanting her away from me.

Oh how I wish I could tell 3 year ago me that everything would be alright! I wouldn’t have listened though, obviously. But if you’re reading this and you’re going through something awful, no matter what it is, I am here to tell you that time really does help. I’ll never forget, I’ll always be thankful for her but as we move further away from that time it’s starting to feel like it happened to someone else. I’m not sure if that’ll make sense to other people.

When we got home from our stay in hospital we invested in a video baby monitor. I’d put her to bed and watch her all evening whether I was watching TV, eating dinner or working. The monitor would be right there. A couple of weeks ago we unplugged it after realising we’d not put it on for a while. I needed the reassurance for a long time, I thought we’d be using it for many years. Yet now I’m happy to put it away, I don’t need it anymore. It felt right to do that, it felt easy, yet now I realise what a big step that was. It’s almost like closing a chapter.

April is starting school in September. She fills our home with giggles, singing and screaming when she doesn’t get her way! She treats our kittens like they’re her real life babies. Every child she meets and plays with quickly becomes her friend and she talks about them all the time. She holds my face when she sees that I’m sad, she kisses my cheeks simply to tell me she loves me. Her face when I tell her no the boys aren’t going to school tomorrow as it’s still the summer holidays is the happiest face you will see! I see her little face light up when Daddy gets home from work. I see four people walking ahead of me that have my entire heart and I know that I am truly blessed to see four.

This anniversary is no longer difficult or painful. It’s become a realisation that time heals. Life can be fragile but my goodness I see strength pouring out too!

My dear April, we are so so grateful to have you here with us. Keep on making lots of noise and loving life with everything you have xxx

 

 

 

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