Motherhood – Fear, love and pride.
It’s hard to explain to you what it’s like to love you all and I really hope that you get the chance to experience it when you’re bigger. I never knew whether I’d have enough love to share between all three of you, I had zero idea how I’d cope when daddy went back to work and I was with all of you, ALL THREE OF YOU… BY MYSELF! There is just a ton of fear when you’re a parent, so often it is totally overwhelming and I can feel the muscles in my entire body tensing up. Then there is the pride and love that you all bring to each day. It’s quite possible that I experience every emotion there is during a week, possibly every day at times!
I worry you’ll get sick, I worry you’ll get really sick. Not just a little cold, though even then I worry about how you are feeling. No I worry you’ll be hospital sick. I fear I won’t be able to take care of you well enough if you’re really poorly or that I’ll fail at parenting your siblings left at home. We’ve been through this with April when she had her seizure (see older blog) and it hurt, it really hurt. My heart hurt so so deeply and I’m terrified of feeling that pain again, that worry, that stress.
I worry you’ll be sad at school, that you won’t have a friend to play with, that your work is too hard for you, that you won’t like your lunch or something will scare you. I worry that you’ll be missing me as I am missing you. Then I worry that you’re not missing me! It’s a complicated thing this mum business. I mostly just want you to feel safe.
I worry that I’m too hard on you or too soft. I worry that I didn’t react in the right way or that I might have ignored something that was really important to you. I often have to prioritise you on the spot, I have to quickly work out who needs me first. Truth is you all need me in your own ways for so many different things. Suddenly I feel guilty for having more than one child, one child I could give my everything to! But I can love you all, I can help you all. Sometimes you may have to wait a little longer for me to help you but I always will. I just hope you remember that I tried and that you look back at your childhood with happy loving memories.
Oh you are so so easy to love, yet it’s so hard at times! Sometimes you make me feel like I’m useless, sometimes you look at me like I’m not important at all… Wow that hurts! Then you gaze into my eyes, hug me and tell me that I’m the best Mummy in the world… I could burst right there with love. There is nothing quite like hearing your child saying “I love you” for the first time or being hugged with such tiny arms around your neck. Oh how I live for those hugs! I could be having the most stressful crazy day and one of you hugging me because you see me hurting or sad, wow it’s just like it all fizzes away into nothing.
All I know is this… You were the best decisions we made. You are all amazing little people and some days I can’t even believe you’re all ours! Life with the 3 of you and Daddy just makes sense. I’m so glad I get to be your Mummy!
I love you the big much, huge much, all my life much!