Two years on, time to start healing
August is a month full of fun in our house, lots of family birthdays including mine! No school, lots of time spent in the garden with the odd pj day thrown in. Yet 2 years ago our lives were turned upside-down and I feared we’d never feel happiness again.
2 years ago our daughter experienced a prolonged febrile seizure. I feel blessed every single day to have her in our lives, living and thriving. I’d like to talk to you about 2 years of family recovery from the most traumatic of times. You can read more about what happened in my blog from last year here.
So here we are 2 years on. Things have of course become easier yet still on occasion the fear and dread come flooding back. Generally April is a healthy, thriving clever little thing. Fear is triggered when she’s poorly, even a little cold can make those old feelings start bubbling to the surface. To an outsider, hell even to my own rational brain this is crazy! She doesn’t even need to have a fever! Yet these are the fears of a Mama that went through the scariest moments with thoughts of a life without our amazing daughter. These feelings are quite rare now but I’ve learnt to be kinder to myself. However I feel is OK, it’s just how I feel and I can’t change that.
Sometimes I’ll watch her as she sleeps and suddenly worry she’s breathing strangely, she’s not. Sometimes I’ll worry she has a temperature but she doesn’t. It might seem irrational but truth is I think I’m still recovering. She’s absolutely fine and I do doubt that we will ever experience it again. The clarity of knowing she’s OK now has somehow made me think about things more recently, that and the impending 2 year anniversary. It’s almost as if the healing from this trauma is only just beginning. The worry is so minimal now, well it’s rare at least, but there is this realisation of what happened to us as a family. I spent so long trying to just get through the days, to put it behind us, yet now I realise how traumatic it actually was. I’m thankful that health wise this was not life changing but it has changed me as a Mum and I can’t help but treat her a little differently from her brothers. I try not to but I feel so blessed to still have her with us and the full her too.
Febrile seizures tend to be short, health professionals usually say they are harmless. The same cannot be said for prolonged seizures lasting over an hour. They are much less common and could potentially cause damage to the brain, she could have experienced problems from all the drugs she was given. She hasn’t, she is amazingly clever! She’s thriving, her speech is incredible, she potty trained herself at 2 and has fantastic empathy for others.
I document her in photographs much more than her siblings. This is part due to her being home with me and being the age that I specialise in but also simply the fact that I am so so thankful to have her here with me, living life, having fun, laughing, running, jumping and giving me the most squeezey of squeezey hugs!
Two years on I’m finally allowing myself to heal. Seeing your child surrounded by medical professionals with talk of inducing a coma and being transferred to London is incredibly difficult. My heart goes out to all parents who have experienced a poorly child or who is going through it now. We have strength, we are strong for our children and for our families. Yet one day you look back and realise you need to heal too, it’s less painful now but accepting that something traumatic happened really has helped me recently. It’s OK not to be OK about things.
April is my reminder that life is amazing, not to be taken for granted. It’s for living, for exploring and embracing all that you are. A reminder that life is too short and to take every opportunity you can. Some things are out of our control but the things we can control should be awesome and bring us happiness. Else what’s the point?
I am so thankful for her.